January 1, 2014, is when I became a mom, and April 26, 2014, is when I lost mine. Losing and gaining the greatest love of your life in the same year is a terrifying experience, and I have an annual tradition of reflecting on my journey. Some years are more charged than others, depending on what ensues in my life's spheres.
I am chronicling this journey and wanted to be brave enough to put it out there for those who have had to parent or, in general, go through life without the love of those they were raised by.
Hope my musings make you feel less alone in the world.
Year Ten - The other side of grief.
I am not as charged this year. I have been overlooking the lake where we spread her ashes, and there is peace in knowing that she crossed over the threshold or what remains of her from a place I can see. Or maybe the wisdom of some sort after nine years. This year as Buzzfeed sunsets, I bring you nine bullets on living with this reality.
Year Nine - Nine Insights
I am not as charged this year. I have been overlooking the lake where we spread her ashes, and there is peace in knowing that she crossed over the threshold or what remains of her from a place I can see. Or maybe the wisdom of some sort after nine years. This year as Buzzfeed sunsets, I bring you nine bullets on living with this reality.
Year Eight - Finding our Rythym
Today is eight years since Mom passed. Many religions and spiritual practices believe that 8 is a compelling number. Between 7 and 9, the number represents balance and harmony.
Year Seven - The Power of Community
A friend told me many years ago that every cell in a human body replaces itself every seven years. Nothing in your body is over seven years because as cells die, newer cells regenerate so we can continue living. Our biology is the mirror of so many things in life. We are constantly being remade, and change is the only constant thing. Nothing stays with us, the good or the bad, so we can only enjoy the good and learn our lessons from the truly bad things.
Year Six - Time Flies
Raising Lila while managing two careers and trying to have some semblance of kinship and culture makes time fly. My days can be long sometimes, but the years tend to stack up and go by so quickly. It's hard to believe that it's six years ago today since Mom passed.
Year Four - An Unfolding
Many moons ago, I watched the John Cusack movie Serendipity with Mom. For those unfamiliar, it is a classic cheeseball rom-com about two people who fall in love at first sight, have a magical night together, and then separate, only to find each other after years of being apart. If you want more detail, you should watch the movie.
Year Three - The Silence Continues
I can find solace in thinking that she is watching over me. Maybe somewhere in the ether and beyond, she can see Lila grow up, but I have to continue marching forward without her by my side as far as my life goes.
Year Two - Musings on Life after death
After my mom’s untimely death, I have spent the last couple of years wanting to be exactly like her. I wanted to replicate everything that put a smile on people’s faces. I wanted to be the woman I heard in people's stories about her as they fondly remembered their time together.
Year One - Coming into Color
Over the last year, a lot has happened to my life. I became a mother to a vivacious Miss Lila, who constantly keeps me on my feet and tugs at my heartstrings with her big beautiful laugh. My capacity for love has grown tenfold as I embrace my inner momma bear and go through the world playing this new role.