Year One - Coming into Color
Over the last year, a lot has happened to my life. I became a mother to a vivacious Miss Lila, who constantly keeps me on my feet and tugs at my heartstrings with her big beautiful laugh. My capacity for love has grown tenfold as I embrace my inner momma bear and go through the world playing this new role.
Anyone with multiple roles every day knows that there is a dominant one that shapes all of the others; for me, it is being a mom. I get to nurture, create and be constantly present in a way that I have never had to do before, but more than anything else, I get to walk in my mother's footsteps without her presence. She continued what she started, or maybe her mother started, who Lila has named after.
Having lost my mom a few months after becoming one seemed so unfair.
I was angry that I couldn't call my mom when I was dead tired and have her come over after the 15th sleepless night when I had to wake up that morning and go to work and make decisions and strides in my new role as a design planner.
When I accepted the position of this new role (my dream job), I had not anticipated how hard it would be since my Type A personality likes to be a perfectionist. I had to learn to prioritize quickly. I had not anticipated how much of an extrovert I needed to be at work, which meant that when my introverted self-came home, I needed space that any parent with a child under five would tell me does not exist.
I was mad that I couldn't call my mom every morning and talk about the little things that drove me crazy about Thomas as we adjusted to this new normal and figured out how to do things as a family instead of falling into the familiar independent ways of being a couple.
Neither one of us had expected this to be so hard. We have been together for over a decade and have traveled extensively. We have shared bank accounts for years despite having completely different financial habits. Over the last three years, we made it through both working full-time and getting grad school degrees. So how come everything was so difficult all of a sudden?
The first time I saw my dad hold me, Lila took my breath away. Every time he played with her, it reminded me of the love ever present in my childhood. Even a simple moment like this one felt stolen because Mom wasn’t next to him, exchanging knowing glances and beaming with joy that only the two of us would share.
Aside from the significant changes, I missed my mother in the smallest moments of my life. I didn't have anyone to coo with about the silly things that only mothers and grandmothers can be proud of. I had nobody to incessantly bore for hours with details that were only meaningful to us. I had nobody to dissect and relive and extend the joy of something so insanely insignificant that I felt cheated out of what was supposed to be the best time of my life.
The little things...like how she falls asleep singing as my mother does, or that she figured out how to stack furniture so that she can climb around with the nimbleness of a little monkey. At a moment’s notice, she can transform like a ferocious but lazy kitty cat, not wanting to be disturbed as she looks out the window from our 43rd-floor apartment, takes it all in, and finally surrenders to sleep - undefeated and on her terms. You get the picture.
But lately, as I lay next to my little kitty looking at the sunset and singing her silly songs that I sang with my mom as a child, I come full circle, knowing that in all of my gestures, in all of the kindness I can muster up on difficult days towards those around me, my mom is right there whispering gentle words of wisdom through my memories of her helping me get through life that suddenly had become so black and white and dull.
A week ago, April 26th marked a year after my mother's death, and I returned to have a public self and came back to color. As I go through the motions of putting on a public self every morning and reflecting on who I would like to be, I hope to channel my mom's grace and generosity in her life and bring it to myself and, more importantly, the people around me.
I started last year asking the universe, "Why me?" and a year since then, I have come to accept but, more importantly, rejoice that I had such an excellent relationship with my mother. I will never get to see her become old, but she, in turn, got to leave the world a better place by just being in it.
I have heard so many stories about how my mom touched the lives of those around her, and I am honored to be her daughter. To have her legacy preserved, honored, and extended.
She has left me with so much, but most importantly, she has left behind a legacy in the family and friends who have rallied around me, Thomas, Lila, and my dad in a way we had never expected. We are immensely grateful for all the love and support as we adjust to this new reality that has somehow become our life. You all know who you are, so all I can do is many thanks.
As I start this year without her, I hope that I can find a way not to become her because she is irreplaceable but to learn from the two truths that made me (her and my dad) and hope that I can honor who they are and will continue to be for me and live a more authentic and whole life.
