Year Ten - The other side of grief.

It's been a decade.

Did I make it to the other side of grief?

I have realized that life is full of light and darkness, and we find meaning when we share our dark moments with the people we choose to be vulnerable with. Being an immigrant means I have to work harder on this and create a village of people I must look for and connect with.

My other truth, which I live ruthlessly by, is that EVERY DAY WE LIVE IS A GIFT. I choose to grow, love and allow the conflicts that come my way to teach me the hard truths about what makes me uncomfortable and the moments of joy to teach me about what truly matters to my experience.

Someone wiser than me said the truth of the life you can live shows up in how you spend your 24 hours. Time is the great equalizer, and we all have the same amount.

At 33, my life was primarily carefree and without any responsibilities. I was an adult in that I didn't ask for permission to eat snacks or spend my money, but other than that, I was still forming as a human being and all the different roles I was playing.

When I started this journey into motherhood and adulting a decade ago, I was scared and unhinged by my mom's loss and had no idea what it meant to show up for another human who took over my entire life.

Honestly, I even resented Thomas and Dad and having to deal with their messiness and dark moments of grief. My only child wanted space and quiet; my real life was the opposite, and my mental health - I hadn't even identified that there was such a thing.

At 43, I have embraced the messiness and realized it's going nowhere. Given that I have a bias for action - I've armed myself with a therapist, a broad understanding of my triggers, a lot of drawing, meditation, and journaling. I could be better if I added more movement to my life, but that's for another day. (Clearly, work in progress)

So, what are the sources of my messiness? Almost everything!

Thomas and I have different perspectives on big and small things in our day—when we are tired, I want him to magically understand me without communicating.

(Don't judge - you know you want this too!)

We sometimes binge-watch too much TV without doing anything on our task lists. We have been together for 20+ years, so it's not as dramatic in some ways anymore.

The same goes for Dad. I was a horrible teenager, and we had theatrical fights when Mom first passed. The most significant issues we have now are that we are too far away and on opposite time zones, so when he is full of energy, I am spent, and when I am waking up, he returns from a day of work and his learning cycles.

Lila comes home every day—an only child with way more of her own emotions, and because I have chosen to be an adult, I have to be a bigger person and put her needs before mine.

Sheesh!!

(Nieces and nephews reading that are older than 15, your parents are human. Give them a break…and it won't kill you if you ask them about their day and listen)

Lila wants to be a K-pop idol, so we listen to ITSY. RIIZE and TWS as she perfects her dance moves. Yes, my inner only child fantasizes about a world in which quiet is the norm, and that someone else sends that memo to Lila because I know coming from me will mean she will roll her eyes and continue to tell me it doesn't apply to her.

If I have learned anything from my leadership roles at work, I must embrace what she is exploring and encourage her to figure out what it entails.

Do I want her to be an avid reader, share my interests, and sit still - YES!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY.

But, she is not mine to mold. She is mine to hold, love, and encourage her to find her truths.

This is leading to a life in the arts, which, let's be honest, is NOT stable but can be rewarding. I wish I could manipulate or brainwash her into my belief system, but I am not deranged, so I only fantasize about this but then go back to encourage her to be who she wants to be at this moment in time.

My job as a mom (NOT DANCE MOM) is to quiet my fears about her choices… I am not always successful at this, but I am getting better.

My job is to celebrate her wins with her and proudly beam and send video updates to all my friends and family. This I get from my mom.

I occasionally question her commitment if there is too much Roblox and lightly threaten that I could use the money we spend on dance and dance outfits on things I need, like massages, vacations, and pieces of art I wish I could own.

It's been two years and three months since we started on this journey. Her biggest barrier might be that she doesn't want to ever dance for anyone, but hey—baby steps.

After homework, she dances for an hour and then exercises, followed by a rigorous face routine—she washes her face and applies lotion while pouting.

In her research over the last month, she found out that you don't need to be Korean to be a K-pop star, but you must speak Korean. So, she is now in the process of finding a Korean tutor. Duo lingo and YouTube don't suffice.

If you have any leads, please reach out to her at gigiandmilk@gmail.com.
(No, I am not the typical Asian mom, so she is responsible for finding her training because K-pop stars must be independent according to our goals.)

Mom and Dad always said that your child is the source of your most significant lesson, and they were NOT wrong. It's like having a mirror, and sometimes, the things I am telling Lila, I am also telling myself.

Does it end there?

No!

Work is my most significant gateway to life lessons. I've been lucky because I am one of those rare people who solve systemic problems and LOVE them.

(Don't be jealous. What you love is also what consumes you)

I don't have a separation between my work self and the rest of my life. My identity is so wrapped up in being a designer.

It's my gift, and I get to serve with it, but only some days are amazing!

My days are full of conversations, compromises, and everything that requires superhuman abilities that are normal for most people.

I have to appear calm and collected because, as a society, we have all agreed to appear to be rational and lead with some semblance of kindness when all I want is people like Mom and Dad telling me I am right, I can have what I want and give me a gold star for the zillion little unseen things that I have to do every single hour.

It requires excessive patience and sometimes toxic positivity with partners who don't often get me, and I leave wiped.

So, back to where I started - am I on the other side of grief? I don't think so - BUT I have better tools than when I started.

I have become more strict with my boundaries and to whom I give my time. This is true in every part of my life - I've stopped investing in friendships that aren't reciprocal. I've stopped calling folks who will not be vulnerable. After a year, I quit a few jobs because they started to drain me instead of energize me. I know the conventional wisdom is to stay and find compromises or not burn bridges, blah blah blah.

I see work as an exchange of time for a paycheck, and my time will not be wasted on things that drain me. I've gotten better at giving it time, and I am not out at the first sign of conflict, but if it doesn't change in six months, then I am off noodling on what else could be better.

I spend an awful lot of time unpacking my triggers at work. Is it boredom? Is it systemic? Is it being an only child who wants to make decisions? Is it back to my childhood, when, at the first sign of conflict, my dad would come and pick me up no matter the time of day?

I've realized it's back to one of my core truths that every day is a gift, and if a place is showing you that they don't value your skills, then sticking around doesn't make them change their minds and life is too fragile to be wasting it with humans that are not invested.

The most significant insight I have from Mom's passing and the fragility of life - is that I prioritize ruthlessly and fill my days with deep conversations no matter what hat I wear.

Modeling takes a lot out of me, but when I leave, I want my legacy to add to Mom's—making people feel seen. She left the world to meet people and get them to enjoy life.

I say yes…and... to that and hope to leave people feeling empowered. I don't need a lot of people around me, but I want people with whom I can connect deeply. I show up with as much honesty and integrity as possible, allowing people to be who they need to be in that moment.

Thanks for reading another year of my reflection on love, life, motherhood, and everything.

Now go live as if this is your last day and repeat every 24 hours!