Year Four - An Unfolding

Many moons ago, I watched the John Cusack movie Serendipity with Mom. For those unfamiliar, it is a classic cheeseball rom-com about two people who fall in love at first sight, has a magical night together, and then separate, only to find each other after years of being apart. If you want more detail, you should watch the movie. 

As was the tradition after all mother-daughter romcom viewings, we went and got a giant sundae at Ghirardelli’s and discussed the movie at length. I scoffed at Mom’s simplistic point of view, which could be summarized as "what you are looking for often finds you depending on what signals you are sending out in the Universe and whether you are truly ready for it."

Fate vs. Freewill

God vs. Destiny

Karmic cycles

Needless to say, many discussions about the big life questions followed the Ghirardelli conversation. Mom firmly believed while I threw my half-baked theories at her. I was in art school, so I was responsible for deconstructing everything to understand it. 

If I could encapsulate my undergraduate years, they could be summarized as trusting no one, searching for the truth somewhere out there, and debating everything to the “ n-th” degree to feel intellectually challenged. Come to think of it now, it might have been one too many X-file marathons.

Fast forward to the fall of last year, I was in bed mindlessly Pinteresting, and low and behold, the words “ What you are seeking, is seeking you" surfaced. I chuckled, thinking of Mom and our moment in time. She was firm in her knowledge, and I was, moving closer to accepting her simple yet powerful truth. 

By this point, I had lived out enough life to have witnessed the power of belief. Not in the significant grand movie-esque ways I had hoped to witness in my younger years, but I had seen people transition through some horrific life curve-balls to come out the other side positive and radiant because they continued to apply a positive outlook to life, thus reinforcing the what you seek is also seeking your mantra. 

In any case, a week after that quote had resurfaced, we made an offer on what had become our first home. We walked in and knew instantly that we had to have it. Thomas and I had just started thinking about buying a home that month, given that our lease was ending, and so I smiled, thinking she was right again: "What you seek is seeking you."

Our apartment number would be 701, a combination of Mom’s favorite number. As a child, she would pay me Rs. 701 or 71 or a variation of those three numbers depending on the obligatory task I was completing at her request and the value she arbitrarily would equate it to. 

A few weeks after accepting the offer, I was waiting to transfer our downpayment. The banker looked at my address and said 520 was a Chinese love word, ninchanese. 5.20 is what young Chinese folks use when they want to communicate, "I love you."  

As many of you are ahead on the path now, the home-buying process could have been more pleasant. The whole time I was wishing and hoping Mom was there. Her absence was looming, and I was sad she couldn’t be part of such a seminal moment in my life.

We made it through. 

A few months into this year, I was one day staring at the ceiling on our couch, thinking of her. I was reflecting on my choices and thinking through the moments in time that had led me there, and low and behold, I realized that the Universe was sending sweet little messages of love that were, in small but significant ways, reminders of my mom.

Holy cow! It was like my very own interstellar moment. 

(Yes, another movie reference. I would highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it.)

Who knows what happens after death? 

Do we live on? 

Do we end up reconnecting to the spirits we are entwined to go through eternity with? 

Do we continue on a path forward and have abilities to connect just through different means? 

Is our human experience just an expression of a form we return to after death and become part of this massive energy system?

So many big questions again. 

Another dimension of communication. 

I've decided to return my search for the truth out there. Maybe all this ends up being silly mind games I play to console myself, but it's nice to think that she is everywhere, even when she is nowhere in sight, and that we might be communicating in messages that I need to continue to look for. 

At the start of another year without her, thank you for keeping her alive in your memories. Thank you for being in our lives and enriching us with your stories for all of you that reached out yesterday. We are truly blessed and hope that we can continue to spread the lineage of love, warmth, and hospitality that both Mom and Ba had started. 

I've made peace with her passing for now. With this renewed detective phase, I rejoice in bringing her to life for Lila through all my stories: Death may be a physical absence, but it doesn't need to be an end.

Keep on keeping on!